I stopped drinking. For now. Maybe forever. I’ve made every attempt to believe that my relationship with alcohol was casual, but in this season of uncovering, I get to be honest with myself. About everything. Before I can fully step out into a new life.

I’ve been numbing myself with alcohol since I was 17. When my brother died and my life cracked open, I didn’t have the tools to cross that crevasse, so I fell in. No one had the tools. My parents and I, we all fell in, one way or another.

In high school, the numbing was disguised as fitting in. In college, the numbing was disguised as having fun. In my marriage, the numbing was disguised as being social.

Every day I gained new reasons to numb myself. Every day the crack opened a sliver more and I willingly wedged myself down into the darkness, into the shelter of those shadows because heading up and out into the light of a life feeling the pain seemed impossible.

And I stayed there. Until 3 months ago.

I don’t want to be numb anymore. I want to feel everything from back then and all of what’s happening now so there won’t be any more fear. It’s happening. And I’m strong. And proud. And I’m starting to feel strong and proud.

I don’t want to be numb anymore so that when I get to the beginning again, I’ll take that first step out into the light and everything will be new. And I’ll feel it all.