Long before our girl Oprah was doing yoga in a black spandex onesie on her lawn, I was on Weight Watchers. I loved it because I was on a diet but I could still have junk food. I was like a CIA operative when it came to finding sweet, guilt-free treats that I could fit into my daily points. Until one day when my skills backfired. Literally. Like, fire came out of my backside.
It was a gorgeous, sunny, summer Friday and I was scheduled to head home from my publishing job in Manhattan at 1:00. I’d been good on my diet all week so I decided to hit up Duane Reade on the way to work to do some WW friendly intel in the candy aisle. I spotted a small bag of Jelly Belly Sugar-Free SOURS and flipped over the bag to check out the calories. It was 200 calories for the bag, which came to 3 or 4 points at the time. “Sweet!” I thought, “and sour.” CHA-CHING.
I got to the office, settled in and immediately inhaled my bag of jelly beans. (Yes, at 9:30 am. Take your judgement elsewhere.) They were awesome. I felt like I really had my you-know-what together. A little while later, I grabbed the empty bag to take a closer look at the nutrition info so I could enter it into my WW account. That’s when I noticed it. This very small (IMO) red box on the back of the bag.
“WARNING: CONSUMPTION MAY CAUSE STOMACH DISCOMFORT AND/OR LAXATIVE EFFECT. INDIVIDUAL TOLERANCE WILL VARY; WE SUGGEST STARTING WITH 8 BEANS OR LESS.”
Uhhhhhhhhh, I’m sorry. What was that? Was that 8 beans or less? I ask you, have you ever eaten 8 jelly beans? OR LESS? In fact, turn to the person next to you and ask them the same. If you’re on a train or a public bus or an airplane reading this, stand up and ask everyone around you. Has anyone in the history of humankind EVER eaten 8 jelly beans as a single serving? Because I ate 70 jelly beans. Yes, that’s right. 70. Roughly ten times their suggested serving.
I should’ve read the package more thoroughly, but a WARNING on the back of a bag of candy was not something I thought to look for. And quite frankly, if they’re being honest, they should call the candy ASS BULLETS and the disclaimer should read “PACK A BAG FOR YOUR INTENSTINES BECAUSE THEY’LL BE LEAVING YOU SHORTLY”. And laxative effect?? I googled the jelly beans and read, to my horror, account after account of people who, like me, had mistakenly eaten the whole bag. The sugar alcohol they use in place of real sugar is no bueno on the old insides. I looked at the empty bag. OMG. WHAT HAD I DONE?
I looked at the clock. 11:00 am. I was taking a 1:30 train home and would be safely at home by 3:00 p.m. I hated going #2 at work. The thought of taking a smash (<- my husband’s term) next to a co-worker and then pulling up a chair next to them at a meeting was too much for me. I briefly considered trying to throw up the jelly beans to save myself a nail biter situation, but that’s not my style. I love food too much to part with it in that manner. And my husband and I eat Taco Bell regularly, so I figured if my insides could handle their refried beans, some sugar-free jelly frijoles wouldn’t be too much of an issue. Right?
One o’clock rolled around and there’d been no action. I finished at the office and peaced out, optimistic that I was going to survive this shitstorm. I hopped on the Long Island Railroad and texted my husband (teacher, off for the summer) to pick me up about 10 minutes from our house. As the train pulled out of Penn Station, I felt my first gurgle. My plan was to take deep breaths, focus on the music in my headphones and not dwell on the fact that Rosemary’s Baby was brewing inside me. This worked for the first 30 minutes and then, about halfway home my stomach started cramping and making pop & whoosh sounds. With 40 minutes to go, I sat very still and accepted the fact that it had begun. I had to elevate my poop status to the emergency level – CODE BROWN.
I tried to remain calm but as the minutes passed it began to sound like an airplane toilet was flushing in my stomach. And then it happened. I downloaded, if you will. The brown hellhound had climbed the steps and was at my back door. I WAS TOUCHING CLOTH. This is when the feverish, desperate, soul-igniting, buttcheek clenching began. I clamped those babies shut so tight, the jaws of life couldn’t have pried them open. It was my only hope. All I could think was, “I’M GOING TO EXPLODE POOP THE TRAIN.” The LIRR bathrooms are no place for an episode like this. NO PLACE. I would need to be able to sit and grip and touch and maybe sob as the demon exited my body, so I wiggled and shifted in my seat with each new snap & swirl I felt. I was sweating jelly bullets.
I don’t remember the last 15 minutes of that train ride. I think I left my body. My husband was getting the play by play via text so he was prepped. All I remember after I hit the danger zone was pulling into the station and very gingerly doing a waddle down the stairs where I saw him revving the engine of our Jeep like we’d just robbed a diarrhea bank and he was waiting for me to make our getaway. He knew what was at stake here and basically pulled away as I opened the car door and fell in. I was at CODE BROWN DEF CON. There was no time for safety. There was only speed. We were like Shitsky & Hutch.
We got home, I ran inside and, you guys…I made it. I made it in time. I will spare you the particulars but you should know that I expelled things from my body that day that had probably been there since junior high, maybe even elementary school. I was sweaty and light-headed and I felt like I would pass out, but I didn’t. I made it. I believe that’s the closest I’ve ever been to meeting God. I leaned against the cold bathroom wall and I talked to Him. “OMG THANK YOU GOD. THANK YOU GOD IF YOU’RE REAL. THANK YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME BLOW OUT MY JEANS ON THE LONG ISLAND RAILROAD. THANK YOU FOR NOT LETTING ME DIARRHEA GREG’S JEEP. THANK YOU FOR THE EXQUISITE SPHINCTER AND BUTTCHEEK STRENGTH WHICH I PROBABLY GET FROM MY DAD’S SIDE. AMEN.”
I still love me some sweets, but since that day, I keep my eye out for warning labels. I tell any of my friends who are getting colonoscopies that they should eat these jelly beans instead of drinking that awful stuff the doctors make you drink to cleanse your colon. These taste a lot better and I can guarantee they’ll leave your colon sparkling clean.
L💩UGHING my head off. I did same thing once. Exactly. All it did was make for an “easier go” compared to normal. This is hysterical.
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Thank you!!
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I was on the edge of my seat the entire read, and not just because this chair is much to small for me. Oh my goodness that was suspenseful. It made my stomach turn just thinking about it!
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Oh my god. I have tears from laughing so hard 😂 what an awesome husband to be ready, Fast and Furious style haha
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LOL! He really is a champ.
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Reblogged this on Not the Average Mama and commented:
Guys….you have to read this weeks post from The Mother Octopus! I promise you, you will laugh so hard you’ll cry!
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There are no words…so I will say Thank you…I needed that giggle.
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I’m so glad you liked it! Thanks again for including me in your post!
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This is hysterical, I have tears rolling down my face and can’t remember laughing so hard at something I’ve read EVER! Thank you, loved it.
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I’m so happy it made you laugh Mama Meg!! xo
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Oh my, such a funny story and I can see how easy it would be for me to make the same mistake. Thanks for the warning.
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Yes proceed with caution! LOL
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I was clenching right with you!!
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I’m so glad you liked it!
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I’m SO relieved you made it! Thought not as relieved as you undoubtedly were–in more ways than one! Glad your hubs was standing by…
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Oooh, with that last sentence, I meant with the car, not like he was holding your hand in the john. He could probably hear that sh*t from across the house. No need to be present.
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P.S. I may have even heard it. I probably thought it was an earthquake.
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Sorbitol? Xylitol? Mannitol? I bet it was mannitol.
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I think it was Disastertol.
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I’ve never laughed so hard! My sister’s boyfriend is diabetic. Every time I’m at her house I get scared to eat anything because I’ve fallen prey to the sugar free trap before and suffered immensely. It’s a lesson one never forgets.
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That means we’re family now. Bring it in fam.
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👊
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This is hilarious…frankly, I am impressed you even perused the bag to notice the warning on the back. I would have totally missed it and been wondering, doubled over hours later, what I possible ate to make me feel that way! lol.
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I feel so bad for laughing at your suffering, but holy shit, this was the best thing I’ve read in a long time. I don’t know how you managed to clench up for that long, you trooper. Proud of you.
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I was proud of myself too! Thanks for reading and following!!
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I’ve read the same thing about sugar free gummy bears and the reviews on amazon are HILARIOUS. I’m sorry this happened to you, but I’m glad you can write and laugh about it now! Thank you, thank you for the public service announcement.
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Omg- I could barely make it to the end of the story because my eyes were shut from laughing so hard! You’re a nut! Xoxo 😘
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I have no idea how I found you but I am glad I did. This was laugh out loud funny and I did laugh out loud.
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OMFGGGGGG!! I made the mistake of reading this at work and trying not to LOL while tears roll down my cheeks. You are GD HILARIOUS!!!
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That’s hilarious and at least makes for a GREAT story!!!!!
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I’ve read this article on more than one occasion and I can never get through it without wiping away tears of laughter. Bravo for sharing such an intimate moment. Give the hubs a high-five for me.
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LOL thank you!
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